Historically, January has always been a month of beginnings for me. While there's the new year that we all celebrate, I also have January 3rd, which is the day I got sober in 1983, and my birthday on January 22nd in 1788. Can I please stop making age jokes on myself? That just started recently. I even lately said, "I've been living on the upper west side for nearly half a century" to make a point to someone. Why the fuck am I claiming, even as weight for the correctness of my opinion, an extra 5 years at this point?! I have to stop that. I'd rather be wrong than 5 years older. Fuck it. You win.
So, January is always a challenging month for me. Introspection, honest self-analysis always is. Also, very celebratory in that whatever I find, whether stuff I want to nurture or discard, having made the journey inward, is the victory in itself.
I'm glad it's February.
This year's survey (and mind you, it's a daily examination I do year-round but it just seems iridescent in January because of the big days that are symbols of radical change that exist in that month) has been particularly revealing. You already know the how and why of it so I don't need to repeat it.
One of my beloved spiritual advisors who is no longer with us, whose birthday also happened to be in January, the 27th, the same day as one of my closest friends, an ex girlfriend from many years ago, Kate, taught me this prayer. "Thank you God for all that happened today, regardless of appearances."
I can't always see the grace right away. Sometimes it takes a little while to incubate, especially if it didn't feel good at the time. But if pain is the touchstone to spiritual progress sometimes, which I believe and have seen evidenced countless times in my life, then our tribulations are, in their very essence, gifts, and knowing that on a meta level, like a whisper from an all mighty protector in the heat of battle, makes those moments not only more bearable, but sneaking suspicions of blessings to come.
So, again, thank you to all who were with me last month. For those of you who don't write me, you must know how amazingly beautiful your co-readers express what I know is in your hearts as well, and how inspired I am from the love from all of you, seen and unseen.
I'm starting February without my Internet dating profiles active. While Melinda and I are not going steady yet, and are just getting to know each other more, I've decided to take them down anyway, just cuz. I don't know what will happen with her. I am open to everything the universe has in store for me, and as hope is the enemy of the now, I am letting my present feelings guide me until and if I want to make more of a commitment, and until and if she wants to make more of one as well. Whether or not she ends up being HER for me and I HIM for her, or someone else becomes that person for us, is in the Great Spirit's hands... and of course whether she'll let me watch football, (both in reality and euphemistically of course and if I continue to smell nice to her) but for today, though I've met many wonderful girls on the dating sites and had many interesting, sexy, excellent experiences, I want to focus the chi a little more, so they're off for now. MySpace and this site are always ways to contact me if you need to. I try to respond as quickly as I can to all who come with love.
The month of romance is here... hearts and cookies for all!! Namaste, e
P.S. One of the funniest, most absurd chapters in the book, which celebrates just how wonderfully crazy I (all of us) can be, is about online dating. Pray for me to have the strength NOT to spoil it for you by telling you about it here. 100 days and counting kids!!!!! That was a little mean... You like it a little though, I know. xo e
Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 5:05 PM