I'm shutting down the chi, well, not shutting it down really but saving it. I have done this from time to time and find it really energizing and focusing. The rule is no sex until a third date at least, preferably longer. And by sex, I mean anything other than kissing. The way I "make out" with people, that's as good as fucking sometimes so I'm really talking about a kiss maybe at most on the first date and a small make out on the second are the only legal things. And no jerking off at all. As you know, since most of my dates don't make it past one, that means the chi is staying home usually, safely tucked away in my big balls. It's been a couple weeks now and as usual when I stick to this sexual discipline, my life gets better, but I have to go to LA for a day later this week and that makes me nervous, because hotel rooms make me think of hookers. And I'll be there for work, which is exciting but scary; two feelings that make me want to act out in some way. I feel sure I won't get a hooker, they stopped giving me what I want years ago, the few I was with, as they're not so interested in giving love, even faked in hour increments, I once had a prostitute say, "get a girlfriend if you want love. I don't do that." I asked her if for 300 bucks an hour she might just pretend a bit, "Not for all the money in the world," she replied.
So, acutely aware that love is really what I'm after and that prostitutes are apparently not willing to provide any, even inauthentically for an hour, I stopped buying them few years ago. But I've been single since Liza and I broke up in January 2000, and while one night stands and booty calls happen occasionally, I have deep ambivalence about them since a serious relationship is what I'm really interested in but I can get very lonely. The sexual companionship and female warmth is very nice but as I've progressed on my spiritual path, sex has actually gotten to be a way more intimate act than it once was, and doing it with someone I'm not in love with, or at least in a committed relationship with ends up feeling, yes you guessed it, kind of empty. But after months of celibacy at a certain point, I just gotta make sure the shit all still works, I mean it gets ridiculous. A person has to get laid once in a while for fuck's sake. Still though, it feels a little sad that the object of my affection in those trysts isn't the girl of my dreams so I don't do it that often and inevitably when the frequency increases, I end up feeling as though I'm expending energy that would be better spent elsewhere. Work, workouts, spiritual practices, evolving friendships, hanging with my mom, anything.
But then Ebner told me about "rub and tugs." They sounded appealing for many reasons, not the least being they would help me not obsess on whether I got AIDS through the rubber from a prostitute's saliva, which of course in impossible. (But apparently "impossible" is not good enough for me since I've been tested after every illicit blowjob. Though only 5 or 6 times in 8 years, still immensely nerve wracking.)
After I stopped ordering up the whores, I mainly just looked at their pictures and called inquiring as to their availability while jerking off, having no intention of employing them. The best of all worlds in a 30 second phone call. I got the rush of wondering who might show up, came, and no worries about diseases, robbery, or arrest. And I saved the 300 bucks. But after a few years the novelty wore off, and I needed to be touched by a living girl. I had an occasional fling after the Liza break-up, it's not like I hadn't gotten laid at all, but few second dates and no love. Still having hope that I could find it somewhere in lieu of a real girlfriend, I took my friend up on his suggestion and tried a "special massage girl."
To be continued...
Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 7:00 AM