I Can't Believe I'm Still Single - February 12, 2007

Well, it seems both in spite of me and because of me, as has been a part-time occurrence my entire career, people only interested in furthering their own evil agendas at the expense of the truth are at it again.

As you know, most of the time, since their ideas are so innocuous and banal, I don't spend our precious time on them, but when they rise to a really heinous level, a level of social harm, then I find I must address them.

On the surface, these recent offerings appear so ludicrous that they are laughable and easily discounted and you would wonder why I would spend our exquisite time on them instead of just giving them a prayer and moving on to more important matters, but when you look more closely, their insidious nature and cancerous viral appearance is clearly observed and that's why we have to shine the light of truth on them to kill them.

By way of back story for those of you who didn't hear or read the latest salacious, spun piece of not so thinly veiled self hate masquerading as a- it's hard to say with a straight face...journalism?... here's the gist of it. It was written by a writer who,-unfortunately I have to say- surprise, surprise, lied her way into my good graces by telling me she had no pre-conceived agenda or interest in painting anything other than an honest portrayal of who I was, and under those false pretenses got me to agree to an interview with her, then turned around and revealed her true character by attacking me as a man, a human, an artist and what else is there, I don't know, I'm sure there was something.

She hadn't seen any of my films yet she seemed to have a strong opinion about them... maybe one ten years ago when it first came out. I asked her if she wanted to see them, you know, by way of research. Isn't that kind of important to a journalist? I didn't go to J school but I would kinda figure, you know for, what's that word again...? Accuracy? Anyway she said she would love to but wouldn't have time before she wrote the piece on account of a head cold. I sympathized. Head colds are certainly more important than journalistic integrity.

Let me just say that again in case it didn't land.

This journalist, who said how untalented I am, HAD NOT SEEN ANY OF MY FILMS save maybe one ten years ago. Her piece on how untalented, uninteresting and unattractive I am inspired 165 letters, all sent in by its readership. I don't know what the final tally was but by noon, the other front page story on Bush had gotten 29. Hmmmm. I mean, as vastly reported, I'll be the first to tell you how fascinating I am, but even I, someone who boycotts the media, still kinda thinks our political salutation is a tad more important than whether I messed around with my cousin when I was 6. But apparently not to Salon's intellectual readership.

Just so the facts are clear. I've made 6 feature films, and 2 television shows that have been distributed theatrically all over the world for the last 13 years which are still being shown everywhere, all the time, like, I don't know, on Comedy Central yesterday? I wonder why Comedy Central buys and shows movies that people hate? Especially old movies that no one has ever heard off on top of hating? Probably because they are a not for profit network funded privately by people who hate Eric Schaeffer's work and don't need advertising dollars so it doesn't matter that people don't watch their network. Yeah. That must be it. It couldn't be that If Lucy Fell, like my other films has been re-bought by networks and cable stations world wide for the last 10 years and watched over and over again and beloved by millions. Na. It's the perverse work by the privately funded ES haters Comedy Central station that wants to show the film for all the haters to enjoy.

With all the people who have never heard of me like Rebecca pointed out, and hate my films and TV shows, I don't understand how I've continued to make a living all this time. Movie after movie, show after show. In a business where few have ever made one movie let alone 6.

The reason you think this is my 15 minutes Becky, is because of all that tireless journalistic integrity and footwork you did in researching me for your interview... oh wait, I'm sorry, I'm dyslexic so I meant the opposite. Forgive me. Because you lied and actually did have a single, pointed, clandestine agenda you failed to research me enough to find out that I've been working steadily for 13 years. I know you're not so good with numbers.

In her piece, she asked me a question which, again, obviously telegraphed her own ridiculously conservative, naïve, childish and right wing views on the sex industry, about my "Habit" of fucking whores. By the way, I asked a friend of mine who is a wonderfully smart and insightful ex-escort turned writer what the politically correct term was for prostitute and she told me that "whore" was making a come back and was actually totally fine and that "hooker" was frowned upon. I found that fascinating. Anyway, I clarified to Beckster that 8 visits to whores in 40 years of sexual activity was the opposite of "habit" and actually constituted a "rare" behavior pattern. So we'll give Rebecca the benefit of the doubt on the mix up about me having "just" arrived at the party.

I accept and applaud anyone's right not to like my work, just have the balls and brains to admit the accurate truth that there are millions who do and have for years. And if you really want to act like a person with an above 12 year-old intelligence, try giving reasons for not liking my work (It would also help if you saw it) other than one's fueled by not having been asked out to the prom by the boy you liked and taking it out on me. Or, eek, not actually having been asked out by me. Or having been asked out, not asked out for a second date. This isn't aimed at Rebecca, I didn't ask her out. But some of the other haters recently have fallen into this category shockingly enough. The scorned woman? I made up that term didn't I?

Honestly, I'm not being mean. We just weren't right for each other. I love and respect all girls who I go out with even once; sometimes the chemistry just isn't there. It doesn't feel good, I know because sometimes I like them and they don't like me, but I try to take it like an adult and not let it fuel my feelings about them as a whole. You know, as if they were pressing on an unhealed hurt from long ago that I hadn't resolved... sorry, sidetracked again. It's just that I keep thinking if I SAY IT OVER AND OVER ENOUGH TIMES PEOPLE WILL GET THE MESSEGE AND GET INTO THE SOLUTION AND WE CAN ALL BE FRIENDS!!!! THAT WOUILD BE SO MUCH MORE FUN AND USEFULL THAN THIS. TRUST ME.

Rebecca's a good actress. She had me. I thought she was honest and truthful, her laughter and conviviality. Her chattiness about her lack of a boyfriend and how she lamented gaining all that weight from not smoking, which I am really glad she finally did. I certainly identify with wieght issues and dating troubles and thought she was very pretty the way she looked and was proud of her for having the courage to quit smoking and told her so. Anyway, she had me believing she was a woman of substance and her word, like people of substance was her bond.

When I was 6 years old, I and my 3 girl cousins, ages, 4, 5, and 6, would play sexual games. If you use Breck shampoo you get to go in the closet and kiss for three minutes. Don't ask me why, that was the game. Luckily, all of them did use Breck. We played "family" one time. My middle cousin Tina, was mommy, I was daddy. The youngest cousin Heather played one daughter, my oldest cousin Debbie played another daughter in this family. Tina and I went to bed like parents do and like parents do took off our clothes and started kissing.

I should warn my easily offended readers that what follows is very intense so you might want to stop here. I'm sure me and my cousins are the ONLY ONE'S OUT THERE WHO EVER BEHAVED LIKE THIS so you might not identify with us and as a result get frightened and I wouldn't want that.

I took of my pants and went farther, to 4th base, assuming since that's how babies are made and that's what mommies and daddies do, make babies, that that what was supposed to happen next. I WAS SIX YEARS OLD. Neither Tina nor I knew what was supposed to happen in this situation, I was taking my best guess. After two seconds Tina said she didn't want to play anymore. I said fine and stopped playing immediately. She ran off to tell her mother about the game and that she didn't like it. WE WERE SIX AND FIVE YEARS OLD RESPECTIVELY. I don't know if you got that part.

WE WERE SIX AND FIVE YEARS OLD RESPECTIVELY.

My father had a talk with me and explained that that wasn't an appropriate game to play when you were little and we shouldn't play that game again and that was that. My cousins and I, before and since that episode, have been very close and loving and there was never an incident like that again and not as a young man or adult have I ever, even as a drunken college lad slammed on hormones and cocaine so much as kissed a girl who said no to me, let alone done anything more to any woman who asked me to stop when we were involved in a mutual make out.
For the above described incident, Rebecca Traister, editing our interview, of course taking out the bridge dialogue which would have clarified the story more, to incite misogynist propaganda, and prove her theory that I am evil, insinuated that I was guilty of at best abuse and at worst, rape.

An insinuation that other readers then trumpeted.

I maintain that you would be hard pressed to find ANY child psychologist, lawyer, law enforcement officer, good teacher or healthy parent or healthy non-parent for that matter who would verify these sick people's accusation that the above mutually consented to child sexual exploration could be described as rape. It is so far fetched it really boggles the mind. I would feel you could leave it at that, or at worst say people who said that it was rape were joking, which I don't think is off limits IN A CERTAIN CONTEXT, NEVER ONE WHERE REAL PEOPLE WHO WERE RAPED WERE INVOLVED THOUGH, however in this case I submit it is criminal to utter the words they did in accusing me of being a rapist because they were not joking and if they were, did not make that clear. And that's what we have to discuss here.

When we throw around such a cartoonishly ridiculous accusation of rape, attaching it to an episode such as I described I had with my cousin Tina, we mock and minimize the real and evil and violent crime that is unfortunately visited on so many women every day by sick criminals.

Many of my female friends who have suffered the heinous crime of rape have corroborated this point of view and I feel safe in saying that no woman who has had to go through that outrageously awful crime would think it anything but destructive and ridiculous to categorize two 6 year olds engaged in mutual consented upon sex games that ended when one wanted it to end, as either of them raping each other.

Say you don't like my movies, say you think I'm a bad writer, actor, director, say it even without seeing any of my movies if you want to announce clearly what a kind of person you are. Call me narcissistic, call me self absorbed, call me short, bald, ugly, fat, a bad lover, a queer, small-dicked, creepy crawly. I don't give a shit... but do not call me a criminal. Do not call me a rapist.

If you come with that, come with more than a that I had consensual child sex with my cousin when we were both 6 years old and stopped when she said stop.

And try this on for size. What if the roles were reversed? What if I was messing around with my little girl cousin when we were both 6 years old and I was aroused and she said she was going to sit on me and I said why? And she said, because that's what mommies and daddies do when they sleep and I said okay and then she sat on me and after a couple seconds I felt uncomfortable and said get off and she did and then I told my dad what had happened.

How many of you would have said I was raped?

Huh. Kind of interesting. Maybe there's more to this than meets the eye? More about you and your agendas and how you feel about what's right and wrong in your life and choices around sex and your sexuality and things you've done? No, you probably don't have the courage to admit that. Safer to just say I'm a rapist and think there aren't any ramifications in the world. That you're not part of the problem. But the truth is this.

You are desensitizing people's understanding of what rape is and numbing them to the profoundly wrong and violent crime that it is.

And to the few of you who would call the aforementioned reverse scenario rape, it would be equally as ludicrous an idea as calling the original scene that actually happened rape.

We've all been hurt. We all have deep wounds. I am truly sorry for yours, I really am. I'm sure many of you are very talented. I know Rebecca is, that's why I was so disappointed in her turning out to be a liar. She and all of us are destined to much bigger things. Our world is falling apart, not because of six year-olds messing around with each other but because of six year-olds growing up and not healing their wounds so they can shine in a helpful and loving way. So they can tell the truth and in doing so inspire others to feel safe to tell the truth. The hard truths. The easy ones are easy to tell. We're all good at that. But the hard ones. The under bellies we all have that are hard to admit and confess to having but in doing so, frees us to feel human and allows our fellow humans to feel human too. And not like ogres.

I called Tina today to ask her if she would be hurt if I wrote this. Though we've been friends over the years, all of us, she and my other two cousins and my Uncle and aunt, we haven't been able to see each other as much lately as lives take over. They all have families and we all live in different parts of the country which is sad. I miss the family. She was excited and surprised to hear from me. In talking to her about all this explosion of misdirected hate stemming from our innocent game 40 years ago, tears welled in my eyes when she corroborated my memory of the events and said she was and always had been fine with what happened and treated it like the harmless episode it was. I realized that aside from joking about it over the years when my first film came out where I first talked about it in a public way, we had never had a serious conversation about it and I was glad we were now, and that my suspicions were correct in thinking her okay with it all but it was nice to hear it in the context of a serious talk.

She offered up these thoughts in a letter to me after we got off the phone and said it was fine for me to print them.

"Hey Eric,

What a wonderful surprise to get your call. I literally just got off the phone with you and wanted to write sooner than later.

I want you and everyone who is accusing you to know for sure that what happened between us so many years ago was not rape. I feel as though that was what you were asking me but were unable to say the word.

We were kids exploring the differences between boys and girls, as all children do. "Show me yours I'll show you mine" I think is how that goes. Nothing you did with me was out of line and I was just as much involved as you were. The reason I ran to my Mom was because we went farther than I was able to understand at the time and I got scared of what we were doing. You did nothing wrong as I'm sure you know. It was just a case of kissing cousins.

Please remember Dad at that time was a practicing child psychologist and Mom was a grade school teacher, and they both knew what we did and that it was kid stuff.

I really think all the stink about this is ridiculous and hopefully the people who are looking at this as some lude act will leave it alone.

I love you and am so glad you called.
Please do call when you are up again and hopefully we all can get together and have a big family time. I'd love to see you ice skate!!!

Namaste,
Tina"

And for another perspective, and although we're dating, trust me, she and I have our share of deeply differing views on subjects and she is the furthest thing than a push over, and despite liking me, certainly isn't afraid to speak her mind when we disagree, Melinda had these thoughts she was eager to share.

"When I was little, every summer I went to a great summer camp. I made friends there who lasted me throughout my entire childhood; one of them was Casey. When the conversation in the cabins turned to sex - as it always did - Casey offered with little resistance or shame that she'd had sex with her cousin in a barn when they were about five. "We were just playing," she said with a shrug. She refused to feel guilty about it. Since I was a bit of a naive child, I was horrified at the time to hear it. I shut my mouth, though. I remember later asking my mother about it, and her replying with something along the lines of "They probably were just playing. There's no sense in making her feel dirty or bad if she doesn't."
I went to camp with Casey for years and years, and each year when the topic turned to Who Had and hadn't, she told the same story with the same shrug. Even when our adolescent confessionals turned to darker things, as they tend to do when girls are all together, she never mentioned it as harrowing. In a really peculiar twist of fate, though she grew up in the state of New York, she ended up going to the College of Charleston. I ran into her my freshman year. We interacted briefly, but she seemed like a happy, involved girl.
So when the man I'm seeing told me the same things he told Rebecca Traister in the Salon article - and yes, he told me, he's not trying to trick me - I didn't bat an eye. I worked in a preschool classroom for years and years. If it ever happened that a parent told us that two kids of kindergarten age engaged in sex play, I think that every teacher's response would be "Don't worry. Your child is not a sexual deviant. You need to talk about some issues around bodies and privacy, obviously, so this event is not repeated. But the last thing you need to do is make a child feel deeply ashamed for something he didn't know was 'wrong.'"
Nor am I, by the way, shocked if a man has engaged with prostitutes. I have lots of male friends who are lovely people and who have paid for sex or fantasy. I don't think this sort of thing is inherently pathological. Anything can become pathological, at any rate. What pisses me off is when men engage in sex with prostitutes in countries where women are basically kidnapped as girls and forced into prostitution; when they have sex with minors, or women who have been working without hope of escape since they were minors. I'd much rather a man admit fully to having willfully hired an adult prostitute in America or Europe than mumble about that "one time in Thailand" or the like. To my knowledge, the man I'm with has had no such encounter.
I bristle when people send me emails saying, "Watch out, little girl, he did dirty stuff with a Dominatrix!" I'm sorry that some people, to this day, find others' harmless sexual proclivities disgusting. That mode of thought strikes me as a little too conservative to agree with. I'm surprised, as a southerner - a "yokelette," as one blog called me - that this sort of attitude is trickling down from New York. Contrary to popular opinion, we in the south - especially southern cities - are much more respectful of things like someone's sexual needs and orientation. Perhaps this is because the bulk of us are tired of being defined by the vocal evangelical Bubba minority who always seem to be on camera boycotting France or something inane, and so we're very careful. Perhaps this is because we just have better manners than to call someone gay if he hasn't found a wife yet; the rude insinuation is that gayness is something hidden and to be outed by others at their will, and even ruder, that failure in the heterosexual world equals homosexuality. Or perhaps it's our respect for the deeply eccentric - something vividly wrought in fine southern literature, if you feel in a Faulkner or Percy mood. Maybe it's our inimitable southern mothers, telling us aphorisms like "every pot has a lid," e.g. that we're all deeply quirky but there's someone for everyone, a relaxed and generous view of humanity. I grew up thinking that New York was the opposite of provincial, but now I'm not quite so sure at all. It's a lovely city, and I love visiting, but I do feel an especially strong affection for my part of the country that refuses to be whipped into hysteria by variations of human nature. I only wish the man I'm seeing were more fond of it, but perhaps he'll come around.
Anyway, we tend to let a lot of complicated stuff just be what it is, down here, if you have a big heart, treat people well, have good manners, and like your mama. The man I'm seeing does. It's just humane, and liberal, and a lot more fun to think that way. "
While I pointed out that Melinda's and many other southern states were red states and that scared me, and I didn't like her saying some New Yorkers were "unsophisticated" but dare I say that the one's that are piling on this hate certainly are being so, I still thought her point of view was important to share on this subject.

So be a true warrior and have the courage to fight the real enemy people. It's not me. I'm a mirror. As you are for me, and I thank you Rebecca and all you others who mirrored back this false, deep seeded fear that I didn't even know I had that I had done something wrong as that little unknowing boy, and that lie has now once and for all been vanquished by the truth that of course I didn't do anything wrong. I might not have ever known that for sure had some of you not had the reaction you had so thank you. I love you.

I thank God for all that happened today, regardless of appearances. Even in the dark, there is grace if I look for it. My enemy is my teacher.

The demon you see in the mirror will melt from the tears of your self acceptance and self forgiveness and be replaced by the pure God that is you. May we all have the courage to say "devil get thee hence from me now," or in whatever language is meaningful for you and get on with the business of love and light. Om Bolo Shri Sat Guru Bhagavan ki. Jai! I bow down to all the teachers who have come before me. Namaste, xo e

P.S. Please remember to always check my MySpace page for updates as to my work and how to reach me. There's a link here now on the menu to the right at the top. Thanks.

P.P.S. As I have previously announced, I'm psyched to report that the link to the page to pre-order my book on Amazon is up as you can see. If you're so inclined, you can get it now. I saw the first galleys (the actual book, not a manuscript) and being the first time I ever saw galleys as this is my first book, I felt as excited as the first time I saw the dailies of my first film. It made it all seem terribly real. I hope you guys like it. I think you will. And thanks to any of you who get it. It's for you.

Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 11:44 AM