Okay, so, much to many of your surprise I'm sure, I didn't die from the fucking wooden spatula. I shited it out in my afternoon session yesterday. No visual evidence mind you but I could just feel that I had been cleansed of the alien. Exorcized. The demon was out of me. I was cute little Linda Blair again... Everything was juuuuuuuuuuuuuust peachy...
And then the Mets sucked cock.
They sucked cock like the little fucking lady boy bitches they were in this playoff series.
Now, as you know, (and I only make this disclaimer for those of you who might be reading this as your first introduction to me and therefore need a context people familiar with my work don't) I'm all about a good cock sucking and don't judge any who receive or administer it, regardless of sexual orientation or proclivity as long as it's a thoughtful rendition and mutually agreed upon, and I also have nothing against lady boy bitches and have, in fact, jerked off upon occasion imagining myself to be sucking one's cock, (trust me, when you get to be my age, you want to widen the jerk off fantasy circle a bit. I mean how many times can your wife or girlfriend's best friend or sister or Natalie Portman fuck you in the bathroom of the restaurant, you know? I mean that's why I started using my left hand to masturbate with a few years back. It felt like an actual different person. Try it. It'll freak you out. And then toss in a little bi fantasy, I think you'll enjoy it. Don't worry, no one's watching... yet.) it's just that I didn't really see ANY FUCKING REASON FOR THE METS, MY BELOVED METS, THE TEAM I LIVE AND DIE FOR AND HAVE SINCE MY MOTHER DIDN'T LET ME GO ON THE FIELD AND GET GRASS DURING THE INSANE CELEBRATION AFTER GAME 5 IN 1969 WHEN I WAS SEVEN, THE TEAM I WANDERED AIMLESSLY AROUND IN A SUBLIME STUPOR FOR AFTER WITNESSING THEIR VICTORY IN GAME 7 IN 1986, A MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL TEAM ONE GAME AWAY FROM GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES, TO DECIDE THEY WOULD RATHER HIT THEIR COLLECTIVE KNEES AND BEG TO HAVE THE PATHETIC CARDINALS STICK THEIR UGLY, LIMP DICKS IN THEIR MOUTHS AND SUCK THEM TILL THEY WERE HARD ENOUGH TO FUCK THEM IN THE ASSES AND CUM ALL OVER THEIR FACES!!!! I DON'T KNOW, CALL ME CRAZY. I WOULD HAVE RATHER THEY JUST WIN THE BASEBALL GAME INSTEAD.
So, it's rainy and bleak out. A classic cunt day. I have a date tonight at least. That's exciting. There's some hope.
Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 3:25 PM