I didn't tell April this story about the running path in the park on our first date even though she begged. I didn't want to risk more character assassination but I'll tell you since you care and it's a good story.
To stay thin, I mean healthy, I run in Riverside Park. I always have and I love it. Riverside is the real New Yorkers Park. I love Central Park but I love it like I love Times Square. It's the post card, not the prayer. In the 60's and 70's they were but now they're not. Now they're Toronto. Anyway, so I run in Riverside Park on my running path. Suddenly, one day in the middle of my run, Seal on the Walkman (yes, it was the early 90's. I still run to him but on an IPod now), a HUGE WOOD CHIP PILE appeared directly in the middle of the path. I mean this thing was literally ten feet high and fifty feet around. And isn't that just like New York City to put it directly in the middle of my path. So I ran around it. Day after day. Week after month. Summer it has rain on it. Fall it has frost on it. Winter it's covered in snow. I mean the thing was not going away. When would they spread it out already?! I go off to drive my cab. I have long dirty blonde hair that goes past my shoulders so from certain angles I look like a semi-cute girl and driving a cab elevates me from semi to super cute. At least in the eyes of the cop who, after stopping me for one of the few red lights in history I actually didn't go through, displeased upon clearly seeing my face, yelled back to his partner in the squad car, "Yo Jeff! It's a fucking guy?!" So now he's really pissed and I have no chance of getting out of my third red light this year, which is like 450 bucks. A week's salary at that time.
"Hack license and registration." I give him the stuff and he goes back to his car. I'm freaking out. I cannot afford this. Wait, I've seen this on TV. I get out and soldier up to his car.
"Hey, so, can't we just take care of this right here?" They look at each other for a moment, only slightly taken aback.
"Be more specific," He says.
"I don't know, can I take you guys to Sizzler or some shit?"
"Be more specific," He says again.
"I don't know. How bout fifty bucks?" He turns to his partner to see if he can close the deal. His partner looks down, thinks for a second, and then looks up at me from across the front seat.
"Our Sergeant takes care of all that, you wanna follow us to the precinct?" There are two possibilities. Either they're telling the truth and the Sergeant is in charge of all the "dirty money" that comes into the precinct, or they think I'm dumb enough to follow them there so they can arrest me. It couldn't possibly be that one.
"Okay. I'll follow you."
"You will?!" The cop says with a surprise and glee that at the moment I don't quite catch because all my brain is allowing in is that I am getting out of a 450 dollar ticket. So I pull up outside the 22th precinct on 82nd street between Columbus and Amsterdam. Now mind you, I'm eight years sober from drugs and alcohol at this point, deeply ensconced in a spiritual new way of life that is all about honesty and doing the right thing. This seems about as right a thing to do as any I can imagine at the time. Certainly more right than paying 450 bucks when I can pay 50. I sat in the waiting room forever. Finally,
"I'll just pay the ticket. It's been five hours now. I could have made a couple hundred bucks to offset the ticket."
"Just a few more minutes. I promise," the desk Sergeant who's been watching me while I wait, says.
"We just have to wait for one uncool cop's shift to end." A couple minutes later the dick cop and his partner come out and usher me back behind the desk into the inner sanctum of the police station where their female Sergeant waits.
"Tell her what you told us."
"I said, could I just give them 50 bucks instead of getting a ticket."
"Okay," she says, looking for the money. I take it out, my heart racing, and put it on the desk. Then, thinking quickly, juuuuuuuuuuuuuust in case something's not kosher here, I put a nearby napkin over it, so like, I didn't really take any money out... and put it anywhere for any cops to have... as a bribe and shit.
"YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR FELONY BRIBERY!" I probably had guns and knives, crossbows and bazookas taped to my body with homemade Taxi Driver curtain rod contraptions to make them fly out and shoot evil doers if I blinked my eye lids with sufficient force to initiate them, so thank God "for all our safety" the cops immobilized me with cat-like kung fu CIA ballet moves, pulling my leather jacket down over my shoulders.
"So, you just give me a ticket right, and then I go home?" They all laughed.
"Felony bribery my friend. You're in the system now." Not only had they scored the Serpico lottery bust of the century straight out of the academy, but they also got paid overtime to do it since I followed them to the precinct and was willing to wait the 5 hours until they made it to double time before arresting me. Fucking Einstein. I made a phone call so my mom and more importantly my best friend Patty knew I was headed for the Tombs. I love my mom but being a little spacey at her best, let alone at 4AM, I felt Patty, the rebel-activist-lesbian-priest would be the best person to handle my case.
I wept for a moment feeling at least I wouldn't turn into a bad Tom Selleck movie of the week. Someone knew I was in the "system." But my tears of comfort quickly evaporated upon seeing thick red streaks of blood on the holding cell wall. If the cozy Upper West Side station holding cell was this bad, what would the Tombs be like!? With the same quick thinking that had gotten me here, I decided it best to sully my youthful countenance to appear less attractive to the AIDS carrying anal rapists that awaited me. I wiped dirt from the floor all over my face and tucked my hair under my hood.
Now I knew what every woman in New York felt like preparing for her morning subway commute.
The cops loaded me in the cop van and we drove downtown as the sun rose, headed for the Tombs. I was scared out of my mind. I was a dead man.
to be continued
Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 9:07 AM