In that order.
Vomit: I've always hated vomiting. Even when I was an active drug addict and alcoholic 24 years ago, I never vomited. I can count on one hand the times I puked during my 7 year D and D career. For most people who shoot heroin, vomiting is part of the process, almost the thing that kicks off the high. Shoot, puke, get high. Never once did I vomit after shooting up.
I abhor vomiting.
Most drunks I know had the philosophy that puking would make them feel better and then they could drink more, faster so they ("looked forward to it" might be a stretch) didn't mind it so much.
I would rather lie in paralyzing agony for days, the room spinning a million miles an hour, doing ANYTHING I had to not to vomit, rather than go through it. I don't know. I just fucking hate it.
The only time is food poisoning. Then it's game over. 4am your eyes open and within 6 seconds I'm happily head in toilet bowl. That's the only exception. Everything else, I do anything not to throw up.
Metaphorically, I felt the same way about letting my demons; Self hate, envy, jealousy, insecurity, self centered fear, pride, or ego inform my reactions.
I work exceptionally hard not ever to blow up. Because I can be a mother fucker to end all mother fuckers and it doesn't feel good at all. It feels terrible. And I know it's a cancer that kills. Therefore, I can also count on one hand in the last 24 years, the times I have let the old Eric, who used to thrive and derive endless joy from verbally murdering others, out.
I pride myself on operating with the same spiritual principles that my heroes did, i.e. Gandhi blessing the man that shot him as he was dying. That's the goal. That level of enlightenment. I succeed 99 percent of the time. Not that I don't harbor evil, vicious thoughts way more than I wish I did, but I pray for the well being of my perceived enemies and usually end up having them be my friends, or at least my teachers in that they unearthed something about my character that I was then able to let go of because seeing it in them, I knew it must be in me. I'm very careful who I hate because in my experience they become my friends. And the truly enlightened person, or one on that path, upon being seized with a resentment immediately asks the question, "When do I do the same thing?" It's not even about the other person. So, in that spirit, I had to come to the following realization. I mean I knew it all along but was just too weak to stop myself. Well, I did stop myself three times but then finally went through with it, letting that writing out.
Yesterday I fell prey to my baser instincts. My lower darker side and I'm ashamed I behaved as I did. I am far from perfect, though in this area, as I have said, I have a near perfect record for not reacting against violence perpetrated against me with violence, but instead love. Yesterday I wasn't able to heed my higher calling and sank.
So, I'm sorry to anyone I hurt. Those of you who expected more from me and those who expected what you got.
Violence is easy, and although, like vomiting, there's an initial rush of relief, victory, and comfort, there's still a sick taste left in your mouth and a deep pain in your belly. I don't like that. That's why I usually pray for those who wrong me instead of fighting them. It seems much harder but actually is the easier softer way. The ego tries to trick you into thinking you're weak for taking that tact, but that's a lie. It's the courageous person that loves in the face of hate, not the coward.
So, all those who hate me. Thank you, I love you.
And of course, all those who love me. Thank you, I love you.
I deeply believe all of what I wrote yesterday. It's not that I'm taking it back. I'm asking forgiveness for the mean spirit behind it. For the part of me that felt, thought and puked that into the universe, adding to the hate instead of increasing the love. I wish I had had the courage to just give the pure message without the moments of vitriol.
I didn't read anything from any negative website yesterday nor will I ever as it does nothing but tempt my small self and doesn't enrich my or anyone's life, but a friend did tell me that one publication's response to my mixed- spirited-message was to flip it on me. I'm glad they took the lesson to heart and were able to apply it so quickly, illustrating that it's spirit was grasped because it was true. In part, I was them yesterday, as they were me. In part. As my essay also revealed in depth, I was also very much not them yesterday, at the end, acting out with a loving pure spirit. In spite of my baser self, extending love to my attacker.
And today, thank God, I am back. Completely. Where they are is on them.
But when I was gone, man, it didn't feel good, even for just one day, to revisit the old way I used to act. It really hurts to hurt people. Especially sick people. It really is kicking someone when they're down. And anyone who hates is clearly sick, as I was yesterday. But I'm better now. Because of them. My teachers. Mirroring my own fear and hatred and sickness, so I am eternally thankful to them.
Life is too short. We have too much to do, you and I. We have too much love and joy and happiness to spread and feel. We don't have time for hate. We're all going to be dead really really soon. There is no time.
There's only one real vocation for us.
There is only one thing that impresses.
Only one question worth asking.
Who did you help today?
Who did I help today?
Please forgive me for my lapse yesterday. I feel certain it won't happen again... at least not for a very very long time, I hope.
Okay. My side of the street is clean. Now, back to the fun and the not fun but the life that matters. That inspires.
Cookies: A few of you have written me (so I suspect there are many more who haven't) asking for the cookie recipe. Here it is my vegan and non vegan friends alike. They are fucking AMAZING and have no dairy, eggs or cane sugar in them. But they are as sweet and as rich as you want them to be.
My famous vegan Chocolate chocolate-chip banana, peanutbutter cookie/brownies.
ALL ORGANIC OF COURSE
1 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1 cup 1 minute oatmeal
3 over ripe bananas
Two tablespoons vanilla extract
Mash that all together, the bananas and the vanilla extract will eventually make enough liquid to bind the dry stuff together. Don't worry if it's a little dry, we'll fix that later...
I just had to laugh, from strap-ons up my bum to forgiveness to cookie recipes and everything in-between. Isn't life awesome! You guys are the fucking greatest. I love people like you.
Okay, so leave that in a bowl. Get whatever kind of unsweetened baker's chocolate you like. Hershey, Nestles, or this cool new thing in a black box that looks like gold bars, Shrarfen Berger or something like that? It's suddenly everywhere. Whole Foods has it.
Anyway, melt as much as you like depending on how chocolaty you want them, I use like half the box or brick. Slowly melt that down with again, to taste; I like them kind of not too sweet, a couple tablespoons of Maple Syrup. Grade A amber or whatever is fine. Pour that melted chocolate liquid into the batter.
Then add a couple big table spoons of peanut butter (if you like that, if not, just omit) and then a bag (of half if you're not a junkie) of Sunspire Grain Sweetened Semi-Sweet Chocolate chips. Mix it all together and if you want brownies, put them in a brownie pan, if you want cookies, dollop them out in whatever size you like your cookies to be. Put them on a cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 20 minutes if they're big fuckers like I like. Like cow patties. If they're small and cute, bake em for 10 minutes. The brownie pan would probably be about 35 minutes.
Then I put vanilla rice dream on them hot out of the oven and basically have an orgasm.
Now, lately, the Sunspire Grain Sweetened Chocolate chips haven't been agreeing with my stomach the next day. Nothing dramatic but just feeling a little not so great but maybe it could also be that I scarf the whole batch. But since I'm not a vegan anymore I've been substituting regular Chocolate chips, but for years I did the Sunspire and they're great as long as you don't eat the whole batch I guess.
Now, if you just want regular chocolate chip and not chocolate -chocolate chip, just make them the same except don't add the melted chocolate. That's how I made them for Melinda last night and she liked them better then when I made the chocolate-chocolate chip ones for her in Charleston.
Yeah. She flew up last night. We hung out. She called a couple days ago and we started talking and decided to give it another shot. I'll let you know what happens, but it'll be on a time delay since I don't want to play it out on here until I play it out in real life and there's either traction or we decide we're just not suited for each other. But you'll be the first to know. xo e
Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 1:11 PM