I put the glasses over my eyes and looked at the Duane Reade sign across the street and much to my chagrin, it looked like the fucking Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. It lit up in colors I had never seen before and had a clarity I hadn't seen in years. I'm actually exaggerating a little but it was definitely clearer. I took them off, put them back in the case and put the case in a drawer and never took them out again. I can see perfectly fine, it's just reading. You know, I have to hold the menu or the box at arms length, but so what. I hate having anything obstruct my view, like glasses. I can see the frames and my peripheral vision is different because there aren't any lenses there, they just fuck me up and all just so letters are a little clearer? Forget it.

So I've been living happily ever after until I was beset by these headaches in the beginning of November. After exhausting every alternative, I went back to the eye doctor once again as a last resort before getting my head lopped off and inspected by a team of MIT surgeons.

After putting me through the same blurry drops-eye chart ordeal, the doctor told me if I wore the glasses my headaches would go away. They were definitely from reading and writing for 6 hours a day without wearing them. I phoned in the prescription and was set to pick up two pairs the next day. One that I could use for everyday life, which I was less inclined to wear since there really isn't any problem there, and a second pair specifically for reading, which I would definitely try out.

I was supposed to do an interview for the Village Voice that day and the very lovely writer, Beth, asked if I was going to any parties or fun events that she could follow me to as part of her piece. I told her the truth about my life which is that it's very uneventful in terms of parties and galas. I think it's wonderfully exciting and I love my life but it's not very glamorous in an ET kind of way. I write, go to yoga, watch sports and go to spiritual meetings to help me not drink and shoot heroin.

"But hey! Tomorrow I have an internal filling, that's what I call root canals now, and then have to get some new glasses after, so you could do kind of a 'follow Eric Schaeffer as his body falls apart day.' That's kind of a fun adventure."

"Uhhhh..." She chuckled.

"I think that's gonna be more interesting than you watching me watch Sports Center."

"Okay, where's your dentist?"

So it was an interview plan. Beth met me at my dentist's office and waited while I got the internal filling done, which was painless, and then we walked a couple blocks to get my glasses. She liked my choice in the pair that the rest of the world would see if I ever wore them which I wasn't going to, and laughed at my big round Mr. Magoo ones for reading. She asked me some questions and walked me to the subway and that was it. It all went off well.

I practiced with my glasses for a few days and the same shit happened as 4 years ago. Yeah I could see letters more clearly but at the expense of my sanity. I just feel like I'm tripping when I have those things on. I don't feel like myself and I certainly can't be creative and think things with them on so what's the point. I put both pairs in the drawer with the pink Charles Nelson Riley ones. And of course my headaches went away instantly when I found out their cause. I've been working just as hard since I got and haven't worn the glasses and I feel fine. I was just freaking myself out after the first random headache a month ago. The rest were from the stress of believing I was dying.

But even though my near death experience was in my head, my nervous system doesn't know the difference and I've been left with an unbelievable gratitude for my life knowing I don't have a brain tumor and I'm not going to die in 6 months, although of course there's a part of me that thinks I'll be the one guy who had all the symptoms of eye/glasses related headaches who actually did end up having a tumor but because it seemed like the glasses cured him he never got an MRI and then dropped dead a month later, but even I am having a hard time owning that one.

So everything is just sublime. Except yesterday I was reading the Bard magazine and looked at what all the alumni are up to and saw that one guy who graduated about when I did tragically lost his wife to sudden lung cancer and she didn't even smoke. She went in for a routine check up, had stage 4 cancer and was dead in a year and a half.

There's a saying "If you worry why pray and if you pray why worry." I'll tell you why, because I'm fucking crazy that's why. Fear and faith coexist like identical twins in me every day. I just don't let the fear stop me from doing things... but it does exhaust me. I'm so afraid of dying because I love this life so much. Maybe if you all pray for me I'll stop worrying. I think it's my only chance.

Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 12:54 AM

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