Rub and Tugs were genius! I couldn't believe they existed! Where had I been?! In the spring of 2000, after a short acting stint on Everything's Relative the previous year (a short lived much-beloved sitcom written by Mitch Hurwitz, the guy that later did Arrested Development,) while dating Liza, I was back in LA, sans Liza, doing another mid-season NBC show, First Years. I was also developing my own show at Fox.

I was living in the Oakwood Apartments, corporate housing for transient east coast actors temporarily in LA for pilot season or the first year of a show who don't want to commit to buying or renting a proper house for fear that their show might get cancelled or that they might not land one in the first place. I liked the apartment feel of Oakwood. It reminded me of home, which was important because though I like many things about LA, I inevitably feel my soul is slowly siphoned off when I'm there for more than a month.

I was in the Marina Del Rey Oakwood complex two blocks from the beach. I figured if you're going to be out there, you should be near the water. I reunited with my old friend Mark, who I've known since college. He was living out there full time working as a journalist, and turned me onto a website that advertised, "Massage Girls" who provided happy endings. He vouched for their authenticity and manual prowess and at 70 bucks for half an hour, 100 for a full hour; they were less than half the price of prostitutes. Not that I was looking to buy a bargain girlfriend but if it was a fun experience and some savings came along with it, what the hell.

I called Ray, a sexy, short, blonde girl with big tits and an inviting smile. She advertised being 27 meaning 33, which I liked. I wanted an adult. Someone I might actually be able to connect with, even if for just an hour.

Her apartment was only a couple blocks from Oakwood so I made an appointment for an hour later and drove over. I got there ten minutes early and sussed out the place. It was in a nice neighborhood and seemed benign. Having had a decent amount of whoring experience to draw from at that point I wasn't nearly as scared as the first time with the "college girl" concubine in the castle. (You'll have to wait for the book for her) It was the standard two call system. You call to set the appointment. They give you the general vicinity of where they live, you go there, call again, and they supply you with the exact address. They put you through the Dirty Harry runaround from phone booth to phone booth to prove your sincerity about keeping the appointment if they don't already know you. They double book in case you don't show, just like the dentist, doctor and airlines, so the first time you usually have to wait a little until your "back up" is finished.

I went up to the front door, still a little cautious, and rang the buzzer. A different girl than the one in the picture answered, but she was hot so I didn't mind the bait and switch, which is usually the worst. (They run a completely different much prettier girl's picture in the ad than the one who is actually going to service you, assuming that once the horny man is there you won't turn the actual girl down because of the effort you made. Your anger will be supplanted shortly by the nice feeling of having your dick touched by a female... Any female. And they're usually right unfortunately. Bait and switch.) Although I didn't appreciate the dishonesty, because she was sexy, I went with it.

"Hi, I'm Sarah. Ray's roommate. (The usual story. "Ray had to run out but I could see you if you want.") Come in. She's just getting ready for you."

Oh. It wasn't a bait and switch after all, and Sarah was sweet to boot. Maybe I would sign up for a little 2-girl special. I sat down, deciding I would try Ray alone first just to check out the experience and then would upgrade the next time if I wanted to.

It was a nice little Spanish style villa in Venice, decorated kind of hip and funky as if two struggling actresses lived there, which, duh, probably did. The bedroom door opened and Ray, looking exactly like her picture, warmly greeted me with a smile and a hug, pressing her full body and big breasts firmly against me.

"Hi, Eric. I'm Ray. So, you're here for a half hour?"

To be continued...

Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 7:00 AM

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