Furniture I once could walk past with assuredness in the dark, now I smash into. Simple motor tasks such as drinking milk out of a carton, things I once did with impunity now take arduous concentration in order perform without spillage.

I sleep wrong and I can't move my arm for a month.

I pull a muscle deep in my groin, one that didn't seem to exist before last year, and it takes 6 months to mend.

I put mail in the fridge and hamburger in the cupboard.

And none of the aforementioned afflictions even take into account the diminishing eye site that has me snipping off chucks of my scrotal sack in the shower, misjudging the hair I'm grooming, strange attacks of vertigo for months and a grey hair or two which all seem to add up to my demise a lot earlier than I had anticipated. No one tells you this shit starts happening at 45, let alone 35 when it did for me. I assumed it was more like 75.

Hell, I'll be lucky if I don't start shitting myself by the time I'm 60.

But the worst so far, worse even than hobbling down B'way at midnight looking for the nearest 24 hour Duane Reade to purchase a butterfly bandage for my scrotal origami after the shaving mishap, had to be when I complained to the girl I had just had sex with that I had a slightly chaffed ass.

"Let me see?" She said eagerly, hoping zit popping might be next.

"I usually get dry skin in the winter but never on my butt." I said and flipped over. Jane and I weren't going steady but she was sweet and fun and blonde and big.

"Do you use lotion?"

"I'm a straight man."

"So?" She said, laughing.

"So, no. I don't use lotion."

"You'll take it up the ass with a strap on but won't use lotion."

"Hells yeah. Not gay. Gay."

"Whatever.... OH WOW!" She was concerned.

"What?! Is it bad?"

"Yeah. Does it hurt?"

"Yes, it kills. Especially when I was fucking the shit out of you and it was sweaty."

"Cause of the salt. I can fix it."

"You can?"

"Yes. But you have to trust me. Will you?"

"Yes, I will."

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"You'll do whatever I say?"

"Yes."

"Okay. You need to slather it with antiperspirant stick."

"No way."

"But..."

"No. Not a chance. I don't even believe in using that shit on my arms, I'm certainly not gonna put it all over my ass."

"But..."

"Can you offer any other suggestion? If not, we're done with this."

"Will you put cream on it?"

"What kind of cream?"

"Normal cream."

"Yes."

"And powder?

"What kind of powder?"

"Normal powder."

"Yes."

"Do you have those things?" I looked at her sardonically.

"Not gay. Right. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Jane returned ten minutes later with a Rite Aid bag.

"Get in the shower and wash real good and then towel dry really well and then we still have to wait for you to be air dried. There can be no moisture on you at all or it will be trapped and it'll be worse."

"Okay." I obeyed her instructions by the letter.

"Okay, I'm ready.

"No, you need a few more minutes of air drying."

"NO! DO IT NOW! I'M DRY!"

"You're such a baby."

"Yeah, that's right. An old man fucking baby who's falling apart."

"Don't say that. I love fucking you and I love your body. I like older men."

"Yeah, well this is the downside. You get to stand on line at Rite Aid on Saturday night instead of raving or whatever the fuck you young people do."

"Get back in the shower."

"Why?!"

"So the baby powder doesn't get all over the place." I obeyed again. She seemed to know what she was doing.

"Bend over half way." I did. She started powdering the lower part of my ass cheeks, where they connect to my upper legs. That's where the chaffing was.

"This is equal parts hot and humiliating... and not humiliating in the good way."

"Not like when I make you bend over and take my cock?"

"Right. Not like that. Somehow bending over to take your cock is like, a million times more manly than bending over you so you can dump-"

"Hold this for a second." She handed me the powder. I looked at it.

"Of course. Baby powder on my ass."

"Now the cream on top of that."

"Oh! It's cold, mommy!"

"Have we found a new fantasy to play?"

"Maybe, but not with you. I can never see you again." She laughed.

"Why not?!"

"And I'll deny this ever took place if you repeat it."

"I would never... Hold this and give me back the powder please for one last coat." She handed me the cream and I looked at it, expecting to see some kind of hip natural health food stuff but what I saw instead was...

"DIAPER RASH MEDICINE!?"

"Huh-huh."

"You just rubbed diaper rash lotion on me?"

"I teach nursery school remember? When I'm not out raving? This is the secret formula. You'll be cured in the morning. Trust me."

I was mortified.

I had to get my dick hard and fuck her on the floor immediately. With my baby anointed ass rash like a flag waving high, at least the upside of my ancient manhood was I could still fuck like an eighteen year old... but not cum in thirty seconds. The best of both worlds with me baby. And sans Viagra thank you very much. Thank God I always liked the smell of baby powder. Hopefully my CK One can overpower it.

Don't be so quick to judge ladies, I smell your Preparation H in every yoga class, and boys... I know you, so don't even start.

Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 7:00 AM

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