So, completely over Sasha and knowing in my heart that she wasn't HER or she would have called me back, I went to yoga, back to the scene of the crime. I didn't even find myself wondering if I would bump into her, if the fates would bring us together that way, I just went to my usual 6:15 Tuesday class and was happy to be there.

Since I was early, the 4 o'clock class hadn't let out yet and we all waited on the floor outside the yoga studio. There weren't any women that interested me so I turned off my Blackberry and just sat quietly as more and more people gathered. Suddenly then I noticed a tall blonde woman in an army cap whisk by quickly and disappear into the ladies locker room. She was really pretty. Model pretty but with a twist so even more pretty.

The yoga studio door opened and the sweaty yoga glowing people started wandering out. I rose and went in. I put my jacket and plastic bag of clothes onto a shelf in the back, grabbed a blanket and a block and looked for a place to lay my matt. I don't usually scope out pretty girls to lay my matt next to, I think that's kind of sketchy and am really there to cultivate a deeper relationship with God. That's what yoga means, union with God. But if I happen to meet the love of my life while I'm there, then hey, what's more of a conduit to God than that.

Just then I caught this fast moving blonde flash again. It was the model-with-a-twist chick I had glimpsed outside a few minutes before. She was fast. I liked that. She laid her matt down near the back on the right side and left to go get a block.

What the hell. I mean, I need to lay my mat some place.

I joined her. Right next to her on the left. I folded up my blanket and sat on it. I felt her return and purposely didn't look at her. I didn't want her to feel like I had put my matt next to her just to hit on her. I closed my eyes and half pretended/half really did meditate for a few moments. Life is like that. It's not so fucking black and white all the time. I wanted to meditate and I wanted to fall in love with her. I was faking and I was sincere. That doesn't make me a liar, it makes me human.

But enough is enough. She knew I wasn't a player by this time so I opened my eyes and futzed with my blanket as an excuse to look down and to the right so when I was done futzing I would naturally have to look at her before looking straight forward again.

I did and BINGO, JACK POT! She caught my eye and smiled. I didn't fuck around. No more Sashas.

"Hi." I said.

"Hi." She was open and friendly just like Sasha had been, but without the slight hesitation Sasha had. This girl was wide open. With a subtle glance I double checked that she didn't have a ring on... nope, no ring. But she was wearing a watch.

Just like Sasha.

"Are you gonna practice with your watch on?" This was Sasha all over again. Except this girl was clearly the one I was meant to meet. Sasha was some kind of appetizer.

"Yeah. I never take it off."

"Never? You bathe with it on?"

"Yup." She laughed playfully.

"Sleep? Everything?"

"Yeah. It's pathetic I know."

"So it literally never comes off."

"Right."

"Wow. I'm Eric."

"Natalie."

"Nice to meet you."

"You too."

"I've never seen you at 6:15?"

"Yeah I usually take at 8 in the morning because I usually work late."

"Ahhh. What do you do?"

"I'm in advertising."

"Huh. I went out with another beautiful tall blonde girl in advertising once." Liza.

She smiled. We chatted for a few more minutes. She seemed totally into me. I was freaking out. Class was about to start so I folded my hands and bowed to her.

"Have a nice practice."

"You too."

All through class, of course, I obsessed on her. How our conversation had gone. Fantasizing about our future together. On how I would ask her out. I wasn't going to let her out the fucking door, I didn't care if I ruined her yoga peace, fuck, I might ask her out in the middle of a down dog. No, better wait at least till after class.

I snuck peeks at her all through class. She had a beautiful practice and a beautiful lithe body. Supple, strong, flexible, focused, quiet. And she looked to be about 35. Perfect. An adult, ready for love. But then I noticed she had strangely small hands for her 5'10'' frame. Almost retardedly small. Not quite but nearly. Well, if she blew me off at least I could rationalize that I could never have been happy with her anyway, the girl with the mutant small hands, but if she was into me, they would be easy to overlook. I'm way more mature than that.

A half an hour into class I started to get furious with myself that I hadn't asked her out before class started so I wouldn't ruin another yoga class obsessing on the outcome of a date request. That would never happen again. Hopefully it would be a moot point because this girl was going to be my wife.

Class ended. I could barely wait for the last OM. Gone was my madness over whether she would say yes or no. I felt calm and okay with whatever the outcome would be. When the last note left the air I turned to her. She was already rolling up her matt, preparing to leave.

"You know how in Annie Hall after they're on the way to dinner after she's sung on their first date, and Woody says to Diane Keaton, 'Can we kiss now to get it over with so I can relax and I can digest my dinner'?" She laughed.

"I should have asked you out before class so my moving mediation would have had a chance of remaining on world peace and not on whether you would say yes or no."

"I'm flattered but I'm married actually."

"Oh really? I'm sorry. I didn't see a ring." She smiled politely and left. Well at least I couldn't be rejected. I'm always so relieved when they say they have a boyfriend because then at least I can believe they would have gone out with me were they single. I mean I prefer them to be single and say yes, but short of that, I want them taken already.

And I had gotten a straight answer. Not like with the Sasha situation. I was happy it had all been asked and answered. But then I started to get a little annoyed. I mean the fucking girl never takes off her watch but her wedding ring seems to get left in the old jewelry box with regularity huh? We have wedding rings for a reason in our society gals. It's so I and countless other men don't get their hopes up and waste perfectly good chances to unite with God because we're obsessing on whether or not you'll fucking go out with us!!! So do us a little favor okay? Keep your God Damn wedding rings on!! No wonder she was so fucking nice to me, she had the protection and relaxed safety of already having her love of life waiting for her to get home from fucking yoga to kiss her and make her dinner and lick her fucking pussy till she came ten times!!!!

I'm not really that mad, but come on. Cut the passive aggressive bullshit and keep the rings on. And don't flirt with me-especially if you're not gonna wear it- if you have a husband. That's not nice. Be friendly, fine, but don't giggle at my jokes and shyly look away when I look deeply into your eyes.

Bramacharia- The yogic guide for relating to members of the opposite sex when one or both of you is taken. Treat them as if their lover and yours were standing right there. And if you're single and they're not, treat the other as if their beloved were there and the girlfriend you don't have was there as well. Or visa versa.

But enough about that. I met a girl on Nerve yesterday who very well may be HER. I'm flying to South Carolina tomorrow to take her to dinner. Of course you'll be the first to know. Pray for me.

Posted by Eric Schaeffer at 10:22 AM

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